friendship, like love, is a lie

i'll livetweet it. #MillyMania

2012-01-26T23:49:00.002-07:00

Andy on the imminent birth of his first child (to be named Milly.)

remember that popular pop-punk band, plain white onesies?

2011-11-12T13:29:00.001-07:00

andy can turn a trip to walmart to get baby supplies into a party.

you sound like the archetypal driven career woman from any romantic comedy who resists falling in love with Ryan Reynolds at first.

2011-11-01T21:45:00.002-06:00

please don't waste my time with drawn-out banter or boring/awkward chats or texts prior to meeting.

See all of us boot people, we tell each other stuff.

2011-10-30T22:38:00.000-06:00

This unreasonably fashionable woman walked into the foyer at church and then told me she loved my boots. I said they are from Target. A sacred trust is born.

you carry a spoon in your briefcase? yeah it's my haagen dazs spoon.

2011-10-16T21:45:00.002-06:00

everybody knows you can't eat good ice cream with a plastic spoon.

Like a butterfly was about to land on my shoulders then changed its mind and all I get is the slight hint of touch from its wings.

2011-09-30T21:37:00.001-06:00

Poor Julia. The tragedy of having a massage therapist sister who lives out of state, and a husband who gives weak sauce massages.

my afterlife for a porcupine

2011-08-08T20:19:00.000-06:00

that's quite the bucket list, james.

blackbirds don't want to be primates

2011-05-13T22:36:00.001-06:00

communication in our family is like playing telephone, and this is what we end up with.

also, how are a dvd and a broom your top choices for exercise equipment?

2011-05-04T15:22:00.002-06:00

in my defense, i was trying to think of things that "don't take up a lot of space." otherwise, i would have included hula hoop.

Anyway, if you were having a party, and you invited "thin mints", how many would you invite, and would you want any other similar guests?

2011-03-12T13:34:00.002-07:00

email from my dad

i missed the israel boys and they were only here one day, and i was afraid they were going to kill me.

2011-03-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

it's hard to say goodbye to house guests.

hey it's not all rubbing and enya.

2011-03-02T16:11:00.003-07:00

geddes is surprised to find out we have "finals week" in massage school.

what is bon jovi gonna say? he's gonna point you out and say, "where are the dolphins?!"

2011-02-10T21:32:00.001-07:00

jay tries to get mom and her iphone zippo sorted out.

i like dolphins very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much. my name is may. ooh yeah.

2010-12-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

May: i need a 50-word bio
me: (see above)

what if you had a ginger, a black one, and a midget... which one would you treat the best?

2010-11-16T00:21:00.002-07:00

jay plans my future children. and i laugh only at inappropriate things.

you know you're on an adventure when asking "did i just put my finger in goat's blood" is a legitimate question.

2010-09-30T23:17:00.002-06:00

quote wall: check. status update: we'll see.

My talent is shopping at Wal-Mart

2010-09-19T14:55:00.001-06:00

One of my five year olds volunteered this in our primary class today during our lesson about talents. No, Jade. No....

we're not derogatory to the hobo, we're honorary to the hobo.

2010-09-08T14:40:00.002-06:00

mom just wants to make sure we're not offensive, as we design quilts inspired by hobos and candy.

Ursela is a Russian name? I always associated it with Octopus.

2010-09-02T17:21:00.000-06:00

The way my brain works (or doesn't) surprises even me.

Sometimes I hit people and kick people. I never mean to hurt them.

2010-08-31T20:26:00.000-06:00

Dad tries to explain why it's cool to mess with people.

Is "Bieber Fever" caused by a virus or bacteria?

2010-08-19T15:48:00.000-06:00

How to derail pathology class for a good five minutes.

If you can count how many chocolate chips you ate, you're not eating enough of them.

2010-08-16T15:30:00.002-06:00

Seth says he pigged out on a bowl of chocolate chips on the table. Then, true to form, he says he ate ten.

If I wanna tell someone something meaningful, I'll send them a text message

2010-08-07T12:18:00.003-06:00

Andy's philosophy on whether lyrics need to mean anything.

Never get sick in July

2010-07-25T23:27:00.000-06:00

Ben warns us to stay out of hospitals when the new interns start.

Maybe your mansion in heaven will have a bigger compost area because of the service you just rendered

2010-07-15T14:06:00.002-06:00

dad makes me do his awful busywork, then mocks me for it.

Seth is 23% packed

2010-07-12T13:10:00.000-06:00

is this an abuse of the quote wall? maybe.

Would you mind saying all that again, on the phone to my dad?

2010-07-12T10:38:00.000-06:00

When Ashley takes her car in for service, she's not afraid to use her "lifeline."

There's nothing I despise more than an ill-fitting sock.

2010-07-11T10:22:00.000-06:00

Voicing his wack priorities, James regains a spot on the quote wall.

oh, michael jackson! i was thinking michael jordan.

2010-06-30T11:11:00.001-06:00

Rosie's response to my trying to teach her about Captain EO.

I hope you call it "Compound Interest." That would be rich.

2010-06-26T17:36:00.000-06:00

me, in response to becca's dismissal of a financial site:
they're all talking about all sorts of scenarios where you are retiring super rich
which if i'm on a compound doesn't apply to me

Recently, my newly discovered intrinsic talent for marketing, and the fact that I am self-taught, lead me to a great start as a leader within a new field.

2010-06-25T00:07:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure which is more awesome: the above sentence, or the fact that she claims to have five years online media consulting experience, and posted her profile in the "Seeking Employees" section.

visual quote

2010-06-23T17:58:00.001-06:00

ok this is not technically a visual quote but i couldn't fit the whole thing as a quote. so here i am text-as-imaging it. deal ;-)

i could wipe my butt with that many invoices without chaffing

2010-06-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

becca doesn't agree that processing 250 invoices a year makes it really labor intensive to send her copies.

your dad and I are like the beatles, much more interesting together than apart

2010-06-06T21:50:00.001-06:00

via ashley, recounted by a girl in her ward's testimony meeting of what her mother told her this weekend.

The mayo is about the worst thing I can imagine. It's a healthier choice than motor oil. Or getting shot.

2010-06-04T12:18:00.002-06:00

Seth objects to Hellman's "Smart Choice" label

when you meet ke$ha, and i'm with you, do you think she'll be confused when i don't try to touch her junk, junk?

2010-05-29T22:36:00.002-06:00

jd prepares for the lilith fair

I don't understand the internet. Is there a president of the internet?

2010-05-29T16:43:00.000-06:00

Mom tries to get web-savvy.

is a package of graham crackers considered a balanced lunch as long as they are 'honey' graham crackers?

2010-05-27T12:06:00.000-06:00

digging through gmail, i came across this gem of a subject line sent to cameron in 2004.

The market's gonna go back up. Sooner than it would have a year or two ago.

2010-05-24T20:00:00.002-06:00

Again. Thanks, Andy.

ROTC: republic of training chaps

2010-05-24T19:29:00.001-06:00

Leave it to Andy to solve your acronym conundrums.

cholo is the third gender

2010-05-17T15:32:00.000-06:00

JD is Libbie's boy-husband. Not her girl-husband or cholo-husband.

i feel like american society is like the hip hop kids in the bear cave

2010-05-12T22:23:00.000-06:00

as we discuss health, decision-making, formal education, and employment, becca can't help but draw parallels:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/143263/saturday-night-live-hip-hop-kids-bear-cave

have a good day at the aquarium.have a good day... with your fabric.

2010-05-09T20:30:00.005-06:00

emma is 3, but she knows what's up.

do you struggle so much because you keep trying to use yahoo as a search engine?

2010-05-05T14:30:00.000-06:00

"Yes, I guess all my problems and struggles in life are because I use an inferior search engine. :-P" says dad.

"Someone actually thinks we're a search engine," says yahoo.

i walk a fine line between complaining about "new age secret-like universe nothingness" and actually trying to use it to my advantage

2010-05-05T14:09:00.000-06:00

the universe surely hates me for all my smack talk.

i wouldn't be surprised if there is something off about space-time today

2010-04-28T16:25:00.000-06:00

maybe it's just us, or maybe it's the entire universe. today is seriously weird.

I don't judge.. Because I don't care..

2010-04-28T12:51:00.002-06:00

Overheard by James. The nobility of the apathetic.

If you heard what I said and disobeyed, that's called agency. If you didn't hear what I said, that's called age.

2010-04-25T19:13:00.000-06:00

Uncle Chuck explains why it was acceptable for my mom to do her own thing with the sandwiches, but not my dad.

You're obviously not their target market. "Let's make a movie for 90 year old men."

2010-04-25T19:08:00.001-06:00

Dad explains why grandpa no longer enjoys the cinema.

You wouldn't be floating; when you look back along the beach and see just one set of carbon footprints, that's when I carried you. In my Hummer.

2010-04-22T20:10:00.000-06:00

Jeff's response to Jessica's FB status: Is celebrating earth day by not owning a car and taking electric powered public transportation to and from work. If my carbon footprint were any smaller I would be floating

(also, I realize that this makes the third consecutive FB- inspired quote I've posted. It's getting awfully meta on here.)

Not only do I not know Anela or how to say her name, I really don't want to go to a bringing sexy back anything

2010-04-09T15:19:00.001-06:00

Ashley snubs her invitation to a party called "Cuz everyone knows Anela, who doesn't?! Bringing sexy back Bday!!"

I continue to be amazed by the large dreams and small professionalism of the "intentional" communities I have encountered this past year. Remarkably self-defeating in their radical un-conventionalism and non-conformity

2010-04-09T09:17:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know this isn't funny. But until facebook starts saving chats, this is what I've got to document it.

i am slightly concerned about which apple products to buy right now...should i just mail them a check for 2 grand and see what i get back?

2010-04-01T21:42:00.000-06:00

OH NO!! THEY SENT ME A NEWTON!!!

That doesn't even rhyme. Ergo, it has passed through my brain without registering.

2010-03-30T16:42:00.000-06:00

That not all truth rhymes is difficult for some people.

What if I'm religiously opposed? Not like the ambulance could reach me in time out on the compound anyway.

2010-03-24T11:51:00.002-06:00

Becca argues against mandatory health care. Fight the power, Becca Shim.

of course all the universe heard is i want something yummy that costs money, takes time to make, etc. what good is the universe to me?

2010-03-23T14:43:00.004-06:00

the universe parses becca's:

i want to eat something yummy that doesn't cost money, doesn't take any time to prepare, that i have readily available and delivered to me
that's all
hear that, universe?

any way it wants.

i know it's sound crazy but the only thing i'm sure about right now is that you are my soulmate.

2010-03-20T11:52:00.003-06:00

this is someone's heart, right? i shouldn't make fun. but still, this might not be the first thing to say when you introduce yourself.

i am behind on 30 rock, but they just made fun of subway, and that made me think what complicated feelings you must have had about that episode.

2010-03-18T22:04:00.002-06:00

like a bridge over troubled water, seth sends his condolences in my hour of need.

Don't choose us for death!

2010-03-17T09:00:00.001-06:00

James begs for mercy from the overhead light aka the german interrogators.

I can almost guarantee that his mom makes leprosy bandages.

2010-03-15T11:34:00.001-06:00

Ashley doesn't feel bad about thinking his headband looks homemade.

wow. on a scale of 1-10 how lame is it if i go to bed in a 1/2 hr?

2010-03-04T19:24:00.002-07:00

brook's bedtime is determined by a lameness/coolness likert scale.

if he has time for avatar, he has time for you.

2010-02-20T21:21:00.003-07:00

apolo ohno was made for erica. he just has to give up some of his rigorous training schedule first and then she will spoon feed him asparagus and chicken.

we have six people in our branch and you guys have your own shopping cart

2010-01-20T18:10:00.001-07:00

it's not always easy living in mineola

I can make potentially life-changing decisions in almost no time at all. It's the routine decisions that tend to trip me up...

2010-01-13T13:27:00.002-07:00

dad calls me out on my utah plans v daily grind.

"oh, i don't know bus driver. i just waited for your late butt 20 minutes in the rain after 10pm, what do you think?"

2010-01-11T23:56:00.001-07:00

the only thing worse than a late bus is a cheery bus driver asking how you're doing. sorry everyone thinks you hate them, becca.

every time three people laugh, chuck norris is born

2010-01-05T22:00:00.001-07:00

dad gets the chuck norris joke very, very wrong.

i wish i could just eat a peppermint joe joe and have that count as brushing my teeth.

2010-01-04T00:58:00.001-07:00

me too, becca. me too.

mom! stop saying "girlfriend!" it's "shorty!"

2010-01-04T00:56:00.002-07:00

ways we'll embarrass our future kids, part I.

In Zion, there won't BE people shooting up their veins.

2009-12-13T21:40:00.001-07:00

An older sister in Sunday School explains how it will be for us to be of heart and one mind.

how do they know not to mate with other kinds of animals?the same way humans know not to mate with gorillas.or statues.

2009-11-08T00:53:00.003-07:00

and then I kneeled down to ask her in the Hippo pool

2009-10-24T23:16:00.000-06:00

The Happiest Place on Earth gets a little happier for Jared

This is like Buddy Ball on celestial crack.

2009-10-17T11:10:00.001-06:00

10 friends. 10 weddings. 10-10-2010. Get ready...

How is "I want popsicles" rhetorical?

2009-07-29T08:59:00.003-06:00

In the process of challenging Becca's "I can't tell if you're being rhetorical or not," I inadvertently turned it into a rhetorical question.

Thanks, Michael. Uh, it's Jeff....Today we're all Michael.

2009-07-09T17:33:00.002-06:00

Andy's recovers from calling the optometrist the wrong name and in the process honors MJ on the day of his funeral.

"if you're polite, you won't find out exactly what this shirt says"

2009-06-23T10:47:00.001-06:00

seth's t-shirt suggestion

Poland? Russia? Germany?

2009-06-16T21:43:00.001-06:00

A man on the street decides to guess where I'm from.

Half of them play D&D, half of them watch Star Trek (and own a uniform), half of them are home schooled.

2009-06-13T22:25:00.001-06:00

Cy's unofficial survey of the Contra Dancers.

it's a skin product for people who are just dying to buy a skin product but have no obvious problems with their skin?

2009-06-05T10:03:00.001-06:00

Seth questions the headline: "too old for acne but too young for wrinkles"

Smoking weed is not the answer. But neither is not recycling. Why isn't there an in between?

2009-05-26T20:41:00.002-06:00

Why are all potential roommates who are interested in sustainability also interested in "dumpstered food" and gender bending?

garbage don't swim upstream

2009-05-22T22:48:00.002-06:00

We thought we were watching a 5 gallon bucket swash along the Hudson, til the crazy yet clearly wiser man insisted it was a jellyfish, as it was going against the tide.

You probably shouldn't celebrate your mother since she clearly didn't raise you right.

2009-05-09T12:49:00.002-06:00

Rachel does not accept "it's Mothers Day" as an excuse for high volume music on a Saturday afternoon.

The way to a man's heart is through his keyboard, right?

2009-05-02T22:24:00.002-06:00

So I'm trying to impress this awesome boy. It's possible I have the wrong approach.

how happy not to live in his brain

2009-04-30T16:02:00.002-06:00

When Ty thinks of moomoos, he thinks of this (note: not a moomoo)

because we all want a live feed of my ichats

2009-04-28T11:01:00.003-06:00

l: yeah so, do you want to marry my brother?
let's get back to the point
j: only if he rap battles me in arabic
l: when you see him, do you picture him green and covered in blood?
j: yes. always.
and growling, "raw, diggy diggy"
l: why that part?
j: isn't that what you do at gwar?

because that's how i'll get my million dollar settlement

2009-04-28T10:55:00.003-06:00

l: our dads can have lawyer fights
j: ha
you know how they have those rap battles and catwalk battles
i wish there was some sort of lawyer-off
l: our dads would do that?
j: i guess that's called court

2009-04-27T18:34:00.001-06:00

Maybe just as brilliant is that Amy is a water bottle and I am a kitty.

I wish my bed had a built-in toothbrush.

2009-04-24T11:49:00.001-06:00

when i'm tired i get extra lazy.

cookies always taste better when they're baked with the flames of burning currency

2009-04-14T16:07:00.001-06:00

Jeff agrees that as part of my efforts to become a Mark Cuban-esque team owner, I should have wrapped his Cookie Dough Sport Gatorade in $100 bills lit on fire.

I felt like I was talking to MYSELF.

2009-04-07T20:06:00.003-06:00

Jared, the recent college grad I'm training, explaining his frustration talking with a clueless publisher.

These are the Twelve Apostables.

2009-04-05T22:06:00.001-06:00

Somehow Becca's line drawing surpassed her ability to explain it.

where's the vegan food? where's the superficial environmentalism? where's the irony? where's the frikkin' lou reed album?

2009-04-04T23:54:00.002-06:00

coffee, a newspaper, and an eclectic movie do not an "indie lazy weekend" make.

they were all living off the dole. what are you doing at a concert. go get a job.

2009-04-04T20:02:00.002-06:00

the hipsters at balkan beatbox were complaining about waiting four hours for food stamps, and becca did not approve.

becca: why can't...?..oh, someone already invented that amy: what. becca: cookie dough

2009-04-04T19:47:00.000-06:00

there's no explanation for this.

remember how you were full from eating a marshmallow?

2009-03-25T16:17:00.001-06:00

amy questions seth's ability to tackle:

candy filled pancakes
stuffed in a waffle
baked inside a cake
frosted
encased in ice cream
smothered with hot fudge and whipped cream

why would i need a plate when i have teeth and a stomach?

2009-03-14T21:56:00.003-06:00

in honor of pi day, we had pizza. in honor of becca's bday, i'm posting what i said to her.

I don't understand. When did we invent Frankenstein? In the 1800's? And we can't even cure pain?

2009-03-05T07:21:00.003-07:00

If only Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley had spent a little less time crafting her novel and a little more time paving the medical frontier.

We almost had to take naps on lesbians.

2009-03-02T17:58:00.002-07:00

Sundance is rough for Dirk and Kathryn.

I pray every night that your husband will graduate from high school.

2009-03-02T17:51:00.004-07:00

At least someone is thinking about him.

If your name was Cilantro, would that be the main course you served at your wedding?

2009-03-02T00:06:00.002-07:00

Seth reasons that even if he were to marry someone named Baby's Breath, it would not be their wedding flower.

It's gonna be snowing. That's a terrible time to take the pig to FedEx.

2009-03-01T21:25:00.001-07:00

Seth's nephew will have to go a little bit longer without the gift Seth bought him a year and a half ago.